I'd like to preface this blog with an apology. I know its been Forever since I've blogged and I'd like to apologize for being such a Grump in this one in advance.
So, it's like 11 am on a Sunday morning. Interesting, you say, aren't you usually in church at this time on this day of the week? To which I respond, uh, yeah. Except when my kidlet gets kicked out of the nursery for the second week in a row. We tried to keep her in the service, but, really. A one year old? I just spent another car ride frustrated and crying as I drove home from church. I'm so frustrated. And I feel so helpless. And, man, if I had any pride in how I raised my kid, God has been gracious enough to remove that obstacle for me.
All I want to do is Blame. Blame the nursery; Clara has gone to lots of different nurseries since we've been here; heck, she's been going to nurseries since she was 6 weeks old! And now, she can't handle it. Now, all she wants is to be held - interesting, seeing as I never walk around holding her. And I want to blame my parents - because some people can't handle hearing her cry, because some people feel a need to pacify her at every turn. And what can I do? Fight? In front of the baby? Playpen time causes strife. Me leaving the room and Clara crying causes strife. I feel like my hands are tied - I can't to Anything to help this kid deal. And I blame Mike because he took me away from Midland. Everything was So Perfect (rose colored glasses, I know). But, I go there in my mind. If only we hadn't left - surely we would not be dealing with these problems. Surely life would be Perfect. Surely I could at least go to church once a week. And, of course, I blame myself. I've been a mess for her. Up and down and up and down. And okay, and then sadder than I've ever been. Then trying to pull it together for her, then falling apart. And I really think that she is a sensitive kid; she knows. And now, she's becoming a clingy kid. Who can blame her - with the mess that is me as her mother. I have times like this, where I have no perspective. I'm just lost in the feelings of the moment. I just feel really helpless and at a loss and alone.
I've been going to Ladies Bible Study at this church we've been going to (that is, until we started getting kicked out) and we've been going through some Psalms. I've never been too into the Psalms - I know, so dumb. But what I am loving about them, now, is how raw and honest and open they are. I'm learning that I can really just pray my heart, even the ugly Blaming heart. I don't have to pray perfect prayers, I can just cry out and I Know that God hears. Of course, my ugly blaming heart wants to cry out that He fix my kid, my situation, my parents, the nursery. But, I know that the problem is me - not the I'm such a sucky mother problem, but the problems with my heart that get in the way of me having Joy and Trusting Him, even when I feel so lost.
I'm so sorry for the grumpy blog. Somehow, letting it all out there is better than keeping it all in here.
In the day when I cried out, You answered me,
And made me bold with strength in my soul. -Psalm 138:3
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart
And saves such as have a contrite spirit. -Psalm 34:18
1 comment:
Oh Katie! I know how you are feeling. So many weeks I would look up and see Taylor's number on the screen. I always wondered why no one else's number popped up. It took 6mo before the number stopped popping up. This too shall pass. you are a great mom. Miss you!!
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